Walking through my home town, I am invisible. I am pure water pouring through hell, I am the wind blowing through you. I am myself, but I am also someone else; I am an eating disorder. I let it define me, whilst it invades every cell in my body, and locks my true self up somewhere deep inside. That is the hell I am talking about. The hell of being held prisoner in my own body.
I am in recovery for almost three years now, before that, I have spent ten long years in hell. When I got sick I was so little I haven’t completely formed a personality – or better, I haven’t quite figured it out yet. And when I became sick, I lost all that personality to my illness. It completely took over, until I had no Idea who I was without it. My diagnosis changed through years; anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, anxiety, depression,.. And every doctor had their own opinion of what I need, until, at some point, all my disorders came crashing down on my all at once. That happened almost five years ago, and from then on the first two years I spent in the deepest circle of hell. After two years, I almost gave up. I almost died. But I didn’t, I still can’t quite comprehend I got that second (well, ninetieth) chance, but I did. My boyfriend and my mother were my solid ground, my foundation. I grasped life with both hands, and didn’t let go. I held on with all I had, sometimes tearing out my nails from holding on that last piece of thread so hard. But I didn’t fall. And my nails grew back, and my hands healed. Slowly, after three years my heart begun to heal, also. My mind following, and now my soul. What I am saying is that even from the darkest place, we can always find light. We can always find love, happiness, and joy, We can find laughter and serenity, life and peace. All we have to do is decide to hold on, no matter how hard it gets. Because that is the only way to fight your way back to the surface from that hellhole you’re locked up in. Eating disorders aren’t a choice, but recovery is.
Today, I am walking through my home town, a queen. I am pure water pouring into your soul, I am the wind clearing your head. I am myself, and I am also someone else. I am a fighter. I don’t let anything else but my own actions define who I am, unlocking every door I find on my path. I am free, I saved myself. This is the life I always wanted. Full of happiness and honesty, positivity and light. This is the life I created.
And now I am here to say one thing to you, and I want you to read it three times over: Only you create your path, no matter what terrifying things happen to you, YOU are the one who decides how to deal with them. You are the creator of your own happiness, and nothing can change that. I’s all about perception, so keep that chin up and breathe in the good vibes!
Now let me answer a couple questions I keep receiving.
DO YOU STILL GO TO THERAPY?
Of course! I can’t imagine going through this alone. At some point I realized that getting help is ok, and I accepted it with open arms. I still visit my therapist monthly, but frankly lately all we talk about are the most common things. I am doing so good.
DO YOU STILL THAKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS?
No, not years now. The pills helped me out at a certain point, creating a basis I could work on to get better. I was happy to take them when I saw I needed them, but the moment I wanted to grow without them I stopped taking any. And yes, I would recommend consider taking them if you’re in a mess. Of course it’s better the natural way, but there’s nothing wrong with a walking stick for a little while.
WHAT SHOULD (can) I DO IF A FREIND / RELATIVE OF MINE IS SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER (or any kind of mental disorder)?
All you can do is be there for him / her. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saves, and you can’t convince them into wanting to be saved. You can only stand by their side and watch them save themselves. Shed light into their lives and fill them up with your positivity. That is more than you could ever do to help someone. And I promise you it will not go unnoticed. But there is also something else you need to know. You have to put yourself first, at all times. Make sure you are ok, only then you can begin to be the light in someone else’s life.
WHAT ABOUT HOSPITALS? YES / NO?
If the patient wants to be committed for the right reasons, then definitely yes! But ED patients tend to get themselves committed to ‘learn new tricks’ and meet people with similar problems, so they can wallow in self loathing together.
I have been committed into a mental institution three times because of my eating disorder, but all it did was made it worse. Because at that point I didn’t want help, and I just kept pushing everyone away. But now I see that all I had to do is let go and let them help me.
Help is always given to those who ask for it. –A. Dumbledore
I hope I have been thorough and you clearly understood my message here. There is no recipe for recovery, you just have to crawl your way out of your illness. Accepting help is always an excellent idea, but know that you have to do all the dirty work yourself. It’s the hardest thing ever, but it can be done. Believe that, and you’re halfway there.
If you have any more questions you’d like me to answer please leave them in the comments below and I will happily film a Q&A. Let’s be there for each other! Thank you for reading your way through this, I really hope you found a new way to look at certain aspects of our lives.
Now I am wishing you a beautiful weekend filled with positivity and laughter. Enjoy every moment of your life – all we ever really have is here and now. So we might as well live!