September 1st, 2018
a letter to myself
Welcome back. Welcome back amongst the flowers, the people, the Sun. The world lost you for more than a decade, and what a loss that was. Now, your return brings joy, serenity, and light. The battles you’ve won, and the ones you’re still fighting, will bring you peace and strength. What happened to you is terrible, and I feel sorry for you, things like this I wish upon no one. It is ok to grieve over yourself, to feel the sadness, the anger, the desperation – all of it. It is ok to cry your heart out for years, and it’s ok to feel empathy towards yourself.
You survived yourself. Your survived a disease which invaded your mind and took over who you are and what you do, where you’re going and whether you’re worthy or not, and what determines that worth. Anorexia lived in you so long you forgot who you were, you forgot you some day even were someone. All you knew was her. You never felt at home in your body; rather it felt like a prison, and the only way out is – well, you know what, you tried that, too. But something inside you kept __________ (no word for it). Something kept you going. And for years you were wondering what that was, and now I can finally tell you: it was you all along. The Nina you forgot, the Nina Anorexia buried deep, deep down. It was you who saved yourself. And I am so proud of you. You are a light that will never stop shining, you are the energy that Earth will harvest when your body leaves. Little Nina now grew, breaking free from the prison of eating disorders. Now, she once again lives inside you, as a bright light, as a galaxy, as a goddess. You become one, you became yourself. Now, the universe is your garden, and the planets dance only for you.
What you pulled through, walking out of it with a few bruises and scars, but with your head high, and your face towards the sun, is something extraordinary, something astonishing, something whole. You are extraordinary, astonishing, whole.
I love you more than words could say.
The following photos I took (kind of) gradually over the past 3 years of my recovery. Starting with accepting my insecurities as beauty, my ‘imperfections’ as uniqueness. Each day I keep fighting for my life, making positive choices, thinking good vibes. We make our own beds, and I sure as hell want it comfy and soft! (: