So this is a post that took me quite some time to write. To even start writing, in fact! It is a super emotional time for me. Three years ago, in February 2016, things started looking really bad for me. I couldn’t eat anymore because of the ulcers that were covering my stomach and esophagus, I was loosing hair and teeth, sleepless nights became a regular, and I was rushing towards my lowest weight. And the real problem? I loved it.
I was so proud I was finally ‘getting somewhere’. What I didn’t realize is the only place I was going was 6 feet under.
A lot of things happened that year, but there is one moment I remember vividly. I couldn’t live in Gorizia with Žiga anymore, because I needed 24/7 care, so he took me back to my mom’s place. It was a warm sunday, I was lying on the couch wrapped up in a fluffy pink blanked, observing what was going on in the garden. I heard birds singing, and there was something so peaceful about the sunlight. I remember lying on my side, trying to find a pulse on my arm and my neck, desperately pressing my cold fingers into my tired skin. My pulse was so low I couldn’t feel my heart beating, and in that moment I knew. If I close my eyes, I die. I knew right in that moment I had a choice: get up and live, or fall asleep and let my heart stop completely.
I got up.
I yelled for mom as loud as I could, I said ‘mom please bring me water and a teaspoon of yogurt!’. The joy on her face was telling me she knew in that moment I chose to live. We both knew I could die, and I would die if I chose to. But I didn’t, I chose life.
The next months were difficult, but I was determined to get better, and I did. With a lot of hard work and dedication I won my life back. And here are the lessons I learned in recovery:
I have learned these seven lessons in the past three years, and the hardest part of embracing these new habits was letting go of my old ones. Even though I wanted them gone, even though I wanted a new life, a life without an eating disorder, it was hard to let go of everything I knew, and take a leap of faith into a new life.
I had no idea what was waiting for me when I let go of my old habits, of my old life, but I knew it could hardly get any worse than it was. I admit, in the beginning I was skeptical, and I’m not sure I believed there was a good life waiting for me some day. But boy was I wrong. Really living these seven ‘commandments’ every day has brought me love, softness, acceptance, and joy. I am no longer a prisoner in my own body, now I am a queen, and my body is a kingdom under my command. I am the sun, I am the moon. I am the sea, and the sky, I am fire and air. I am.
Make sure to check out my latest video where I talked briefly about why I’m scared of a relapse right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzZ13kC-bQE&t=2s
Have a wonderful Monday!
These photos are taken three years apart. I have no words.